The morning set off to be quite an adventure. Jeffrey Shawn and I were to make a trip to the small quaint town of Mt. Plymouth, where there was a little Sam Stoltz cottage I had longed to own for over ten years. It was a quiet morning; the only sounds heard were the two roosters crowing. I was rather thrilled and couldn't sleep a wink the whole night previous.
I fed the chickens and returned to Carter's cottage to finish up a cotton petticoat I was labouring over before we were to dash to the appointment, which would consist of a one hour and thirty-minute drive.
We stopped at the market, chock-fulled the gas tank, gathered a few snacks and began our excursion. Have you ever had a moment in your life when you've desired clarity on a particular matter, knowing it's vital to your soul expansion? I had spent the last six month's very much needing a gap to close out in a pattern of old cycles, and on this particular day, I got that answer. We as humans are prone to repeat patterns (often without even realising it). Yes, I felt something in my life needed to change (once again), but I couldn't quite put my finger on it. We, as landlocked folks, out of sheer resistance, tend to reject seeing things differently? For me, I have found that I have to be physically taken elsewhere to gain a new perspective. I had no idea this is what my inner being led me to on this particular day of seeing the cute cottage in Mount Dora. Humans are habitual and stubborn that way. I had been having one of those moments for a while (not realising it until the last retrograde), and I was determined to get an answer; I just had no idea going to a private house showing was the way I would receive my response. I spent many times in the previous six months curious about perpetual mental hurdles. Assuming it had to do with how I have always dealt with my adolescent behavioural patterns and why I have consistently used "running" as a source of eliminating my pain. (Running mentally and physically). Many years ago, I recognised that when I had issues and felt pain, I would deal by distancing myself from everything, going so far as even to want to physically move house, believing that physically leaving a situation would rectify the pain.
A tip that never works long term mind you. Because at the day's end, we are taking ourselves with us. I know today to feel safe means that staying sat is the only way to heal. Remaining in the moment and resting in the uncomfortable feeling, understanding my triggers has been the ultimate healing tool for me in my voyage of self-discovery and learning to love the woman I am. I had previously dealt with my trauma by believing that to feel safe; I had to run. I soon realised I was 'running' from everything in my life because running and hiding were how I felt safe as a child. That's what we do. I ran and hid under my bed, in a closet or the basement. We learn how to cope as children, and if those trauma discomforts in our lives never get stitched up and healed, we can live to be seventy years old and continue those patterns. Well, you know me by now, and I'm not one for doing things repeatedly once I've gotten the bit between my teeth, knowing the why of something. So if I see a cycle I am repeating that has not an ounce of serving value, I'm not eager in continuing the pattern. Especially since becoming a new version of the Raquel I am today. Change is inevitable, we can either change voluntarily, or universal laws will do it for us. Believe me; I'm not interested in that as it's much harsher when we refuse to change willingly.
Additionally, I realised what I have done my entire life is unfailingly make everything be about others, putting myself last, if at all. Then after giving of myself so much, I became resentful because there was never a time it became about me and my needs getting met. I went about serving others (somewhere in the back of my mind believing) that my day would come and everyone would see how wonderful and giving I was and return me the favour. Harsh incoming reality tick, that day never comes, my dear friends. We must achieve this of our own accord. The world is full of selfish beings. Selfish IS NOT an unpleasant word; it's a factual universal law. ALL humans (and I mean ALL humans are by nature; selfish.) When stripping everything from any subject, the genesis will be the direction to selfishness. We are getting a return for every solo action we take. Many don't want to believe me and go about becoming hearers of the word but not doers. Test it. Just test it, and you'll see I'm right. I don't need validation that I'm correct; I just am.
I have to meet my own needs, and if that comes with the price of letting folks leave my life, then they never belonged there, to begin with (and I no longer feel guilty either.) I had a Jesus complex and thought I needed to rescue everybody. When actually no, that's not my employment. Most significantly, folks honestly never want saving. They might give off that narrative, but they honestly wish to trust to believe that they can save themselves. Have you ever noticed those codependent folks that scrounge and scrape end up resenting the actual ones that helped them the most? This notion is because their inner being KNOWS innately they need to rely on self and not another human to save them. No one needs saving. If we were to look deeply enough, we would understand we (yes, we) are getting a feeling payoff for "helping" another. Whether that's to feel helpful or looked upon as a good person, we are doing it most often for selfish reasons. It's a hard reality when it comes to practising this; indeed, I know, but in the long term scheme of things, it's the greatest gift to bestow on others as well as ourselves. That is true unconditional love at its purest. Trust in others and know they have their inner being just like we do, and they WILL find their true north. They will follow their inner compass, I assure you. And as my Grandmother was always known to quote, "They'll figure it out" and boy was she right.
It's impressive how fast one realises the folks that authentically respect and appreciate us truly when one decides to place themselves on the pedestal instead of every Tom, Dick and Harry. When we put our needs first, and they are no longer first, how quickly we become aware "they leave." It reminds me of the story of Hansel and Gretel. Speaking of Hansel and Gretel, that's what this cottage (above) is called, "The Hansel and Gretel Gingerbread Cottage".
If you recall, in the Hansel and Gretel fairytale (after they followed the stones back, the parents dropped them off again), the children left bread crumbs so they could once again find their way back, but what happens? Birds ate the crumbs, and Hansel and Gretel became lost. Think of why the parents abandoned the children in the woods. The parents were starving, and because of famine, they couldn't provide for themselves and their children too, so they left their children in the woods. The parents were SELFISH! They thought ultimately about themselves first. If that is not enough to realise we've been receiving teaching tools our entire lives through fairytales, I don't know what is. Indeed fairytales are harsh, but just as Doctor Clarkson states to Barrow in Downton Abbey about facing the truth of his sexuality, "the hard truth is much better than false sensibility." This truth is why I feel it's best not to sugarcoat life, life can be harsh, but it doesn't have to ruin a beautiful fairytale. We create our reality, and as sharp as life has the potential to be (if one chooses to believe), it also can be a happily ever after. I'm taking the happily ever after. Thank you very much. Happiness is a choice, a very determined choice. If we want and deliberately choose, we can be the happiest of all. I'm living proof of it.
We all do it, and that's perfectly fine, but once we know better and understand the 'why,' we will be the better for it. I'm not sure if it's because I'm a Pisces, but I know Pisces are very likely to become overextended and give ourselves to others first, putting ourselves last nearly always. It's often at a self-inflicted detriment. Pisces are lovely that way; however, I have come to understand that it's perfectly wonderful to place my needs and desires first and then assist others. If I continued the cycle of self-sacrifice any longer, I knew it would be a form of self-sabotage, and I was no longer desirous of repeating that offensive manoeuvre.
Furthermore, I will never be quite capable of inspiring millions of women if I am a sacrificial lamb at every turn. I believe one must be incredibly confident and have a spine of steel to handle the responsibility of encouraging women to follow their hearts. To influence is not a job for the weary. That's another aspect I saw clearly, as Jeffrey and I left the county line after witnessing the cottage. I have permanently shifted, and that old way of running as I was known to do was now gone. I noticed an old cycle that passed away, and how good that felt I had grown so profoundly. Now mind you, there's nothing wrong with leaving an area that feels awful; however, I'm going to explain why we leave and why it's essential to learn to control our thoughts and emotions in the place we are, working through the feeling first. After aligning, if we still want to move, then do so, but get ourselves emotionally on track first and foremost. Remember (we always take ourselves with us), it's always our right to move. Still, we will relive the same experiences no matter where we move to eventually, after states, countries, house after house; we will have to move planets or live in caves with squirrels because we can not outrun ourselves. Have you ever noticed after a move or a new job that we find about three months down the line that we are reliving the same experience we thought we left behind? This action is because, as humans, we weren't taught properly how to resolve inner conflict. We did the best we knew how, but now I'm showing you there is a better way through my teachings. We never get our lives wrong or make mistakes, so never feel that one journey is incorrect; each is specific and unique. Some folks take longer than others, and that's absolutely in accord with what is meant to be. So that's first on the list of not feeling guilt or self-loathing for anything we've ever done. To be accepting and loving to ourselves is vital for giving ourselves unconditional (godlike love). (All of the answers lie within our consciousness, and the only reason we do not receive answers as quickly as we would like is for sheer self-inflicted resistance.)
It has nothing to do with "the will of God." That is man's statute to feel better about not receiving the desires of his heart. If we can say to ourselves, "it's not Gods will", it makes us as humans feel better about not receiving what we know is rightfully ours by birthright.
We arrived at the cottage exchanged pleasantries with the realtor and broker, and then I went about the tour. As I walked through the house, it was lovely as can be, and just how I remembered it many moons ago; however, I felt my perception had changed. My soul felt the great inner convictions of what I knew I wanted, and the cottage list of lack to fill those desires began to pile up becoming less favourable by the minute. Whether it's age, wisdom, and having lived a life of feeling trapped, I now knew my list of non-negotiables, and I was not going to "make do" or accept the scraps of crumbs as I so easily would have done in the past. It gave me cause to reflect, too, on how often we as women will truly want certain things, but because our self-worth/concept is low, we begin compromising. We tell ourselves we could live without "that or this thing", but truly, why do that to ourselves. We must stop doing that and decree what we want. We must have the mantra; if it's not exactly what we want, we say, No, not good enough!" I want the exact thing I desire, and I know I will receive it. We have to be the initiator, though. If you grew up in a religious home (as I did), understand that every decree in the scriptures begins with us decreeing first. Read these claims: ASK, and it shall be given. KNOCK, and it shall be opened. SEEK, and ye shall find. GIVE US our daily bread, FORGIVE US... Those are just a few, but are you recognising a pattern? Indeed the pattern is we are the initiator, and we are DEMANDING what is to be done very clearly. There is no asking, pleading or begging. It's a declaration, no negotiating. That means WE are the operant power. This message is powerful, my friends. We must become unapologetic women. That doesn't mean I'm saying rude, arrogant or anything such as that, but utterly resilient. No wavering, to and fro. Unpenetrateable. That's our employment. To know we are worthy, always have been worthy and always will be worthy. The unfolding of my list had long grown stale, and the woman that once upon a time desired that darling little cottage has gone away. She doesn't exist any longer. I can't tell you enough what that small jaunt of a trip did for me; my inner being knew it was just the tonic I needed. I received every single answer to the questions I had, and I've never been better. Nothing visually changed that you can see, but what changed within me has set me on the road to the victory of self-confidence that you've not seen yet. With new desires that have become much more apparent. See, frequently we as women think we want particular things, and we place those desires on our trail to attain, believing (and perhaps it's true at one time when they were newly fragrant in our minds) that they would just set our heart aright. What I'd like you to understand is that when we desire something, and no matter its cause, of not happening, it's not because we aren't worthy of it. It's always because we either believe that having the thing will be what makes us happy, and we believed we haven't earned it or suffered enough, struggled enough, been found worthy enough. When the truth is our inner being always has our back. Women of faith, I have found from my experience, raised devoutly religious, become conditioned to believe that we are good but have to work (as in effort) to be found worthy of receiving. There's much to do about feeling inadequate in life. And somehow, for me personally (my story is, of course, my story), I could never be deemed worth the true desires of my heart. We're taught that with enough faith, we can have, but here's the caveat/ contradiction to that confusion brings a strong compulsion onto women, most especially young mothers. If one believes that we follow the abiding laws of one's faith, but we do not truly and deeply possess the faith within, it's a never-ending tug of war on a heart. When two distinctly opposing theories are laid before us, they sound lovely and flowery in theory, but if we have low self-worth (because we aren't taught that being powerful as a woman), is a godlike attribute, we will intentionally make excuses for not receiving. We are raised to believe we must remain subjected to those above us. Do you see the contradiction in the beauty, divinity, and all things holy that will elude women? That's not to imply fleeting moments when I was heavily into theology, surely I had moments of feeling happy, but that had nothing to do with me performing all of the acts of righteousness. It had everything to do with me aligning with the God within myself. If we are to enlighten the world with truth, it doesn't have to come with a price. It is that God Consciousness always loves me and always loves you. Period. Each person has a Godlike aspect. There is no other way. Because I am now different because I know the truth, I was especially judged most harshly by the women of faith. Now I could never display to you or give enough words to try and make you understand me, nor do I have to, that's not why I'm writing this. Still, the thing I will tell you is that I am here to speak on matters that most women shy away from. Women (little girls) look to their "God" in the same way they view the male figures in their lives. Humans mimic; little girls mimic their mothers, caretakers, etcetera and most often, how they view the men in their life is equal to how they view their God in the heavens. I know I have been placed here to do many things just as everyone has, for a special purpose, and I know it's to help inspire a spiritual revolution of removing the scales off folks eyes. I couldn't see how much I didn't want to ultimately live in that little cottage until I gained a new perspective. I wouldn't have gained a new perspective until I decided to go and look at the cottage. We are often so stubbornly busy scrolling Instagram and seeing the feeds of all the so-called ladies living the dream, and it's simply not true in the least. A dream, yes, their own, but I guarantee you, were you to be placed in their tail/shoes, you'd take your own life every single time. I promise you that. We are all dream makers, my darlings and don't you dare forget that for a moment. I can truly say, home resides within my soul, and I need not have to wander down trails or visit little places pretending to be somewhere I'm not. I found the true keys to my kingdom, and no power asunder can take it from me. I'm satisfied but always eager for more. This life is not about attaining things, it's about knowing our worth, and if we continue to place our worth outside of ourselves, we will lose every time.
The cottage is darling though, right?
Most affably yours til my next swim, Raquelxxx
