Sunday, December 26, 2021

8 Things I, (The Little Mermaid) Learned The Hard Way About Divorcing An Olde Salt (Pirate)


Is "Sarcasm the lowest form of wit", as granny Violet has said from Downton Abbey? I hope not because, in light of the topic for this post, I'm going to need some sarcasm with a bit o' wit. Why, because it's a heavy topic and who wants an all 'woe is me' while on holiday? (smile) I also do not believe in scandal, so I thought to dispel some of the rumours. 

This is not the kind of post to hang the jib, I won't stay quiet if my conscious prompts me differently, and this simply is a way of me sharing my truth. For too many years, I was silenced; the narrative was not controlled by me; however, the tides are changing. This post is for me to document what I've learned, and, who knows, maybe it'll help someone along the way. 


I met me olde ex ill-suited mate when I was a spritely young thing, and whereas I could play my fiddle of folly and say I wish I would've thrown him over, I did not. However, I will share my startling confession of a few essential factors to draw a line under the whole unfortunate episode of my previous entanglement.


I. Radio waves, notice when they blow the brass whistle.


In this particular area, my ex ill-suited mate outwitted me to keep secrets on his mobile. There were many times I had a sneaking suspicion something was eschew as he acted rather off. He never left his flurry of telephonic lying about; he even took it to the loo. Hmmm... If, by chance, he did leave his device lying about in a bid to distract from leading me into further inquiry, he kept a passcode to his phone that I could quickly access. However, I didn't know that he was a clever devil and had apps that you could download for the benefit of secrecy and disguise. They look like a simple calculator; a few have a disappearing element. Still, these were missing bits I had no knowledge of until after I was already divorced. Because honestly, many folks believed (either what they heard as rumours or from the other party) that I had an assorted affair and off I went. Untrue. The truth was I learned everything after the fact. To keep the cohesiveness of this post, there were very personal events, but please be good enough to let me get on without dispelling the events as they are rather embarrassing (for me), If I'm honest. So truth be told, I tried with my ex ill-suited mate; however, I still believe a woman knows, but she silences herself out of fear. Also, when you become isolated, you don't have time to focus on certain things because you're too busy raising children and actively engaged in sorts to maintain a family unit of benefit. Admittedly I should have seen the flags while dating my ex-mate. I was young and inexperienced. His changing ways, alcoholism, secret other life even as a teen should have given me reason to not let things drop. I know now that I didn't see it because when you are raised with a parental figure (which will exhibit similar distinctions), that becomes a standard way for a person. It did for me. If this makes sense, I had wanted to leave home (to get away from my dad and family trauma) but actually married someone exactly like my father. We are always out-picturing our subconscious beliefs. Until one becomes a conscious creator and takes accountability for our lives, we won't understand how we constantly create our reality through our thoughts. (Disclaimer: Because I made peace with myself, everything else fell into place.)


I began working on myself and becoming whole within for at least a year before leaving my ill-suited ex-mate. If we leave a circumstance before working on "mating with our own soul, " we will leave a situation/relationship and repeatedly recreate the exact problem. We can't swim away from ourselves. We think we can, but it never works long term. Once again, it's a universal law that we out picture our internal beliefs. By removing ourselves from an environment or circumstance, we believe it will go away. Whereas it may get better for a moment, we will not sustain the mindset unless we are internally healthy. It's like playing the game whacka-a-mole; it'll always pop up elsewhere.


I want women to realise this blog is purely to help take back one's power and remove all others from the pedestal. This idea is not intended to make others become the good and the bad. I have no use in seeking validation in that manner. My objective is to inform, teach and allow others to receive the information and do what they will with it. Either folks will be hearers or doers. This kind of mindset work I teach is sharing my experiences and then creating an open forum for women to be free and use the knowledge to better themselves. Always remaining and keeping the focus and work on self. The intention should not be to change other's but to change ourselves, and when we change ourselves, the world changes. 


I've posted the (below) quote before; however, I thought I'd post it again because it could not be more accurate, and the princess herself said it. (Princess Diana told this in an interview as she felt Prince Charles isolated her.) I don't think we are victims, and the sooner we acknowledge this, the better we'll be. Understandably though, it does take time. So be gentle and keep calm with yourself. We're all in this together and learn at different intervals.


"The best way to dismantle a personality is to isolate it." ~Princess Diana

II. Everything we think about will come true. We're always personifying our reality, so mine your thoughts as you'd mine for treasure.


It was 2:00 as I lay in bed awaiting my ex to come home from one of his regular trips. He slipped into bed and attempted to sleep so I wouldn't know he was three sheets to the wind. His mode of operation was to jump ship and responsibility to live two lives. I had started to pick up on his concealment of the old spirits, dr pepper and ranch Doritos, to cover the smell of alcohol. On this particular night, I lay in wait. That weekend I had several random phone calls from Utahans spilling the beans on every seedy occurrence, which was foreign to me; unrest was beginning to rise. It would be eleven more years before I file an unsuspected (from everyone) divorce. I remember stating in a complete blind rage that night, "one day, I'm going to leave you and find someone wonderful. You won't see it coming, and you'll take all the credit for being the perfect parent, but I'll have done all the work raising the children." If you don't believe in manifestation, I don't know what else to say to convince you. I didn't live a spiritual conscious creative life at that time (I was still a profoundly religious person), but that statement happened down to the detail. 


III. You find out who is your hearties.

This was very difficult for me. Mainly because I was a very insecure person, so I spent my marriage covering the imperfections of my partner, and that in the end bit me in the arse. Basically, when I decided to start telling my truth, folks had a hard time believing me because I concealed the truth for so long. No matter how hard I tried to have grace, I didn't escape without battle wounds. Thank goodness they are scars now, and I can teach from them. That's putting it as nicely as I possibly can. If you want to escape marriage with the least amount of damage to all involved, there will be lies told about you, and many folks will believe them. I realised how many folks didn't want to remain my friend. Many will play Switzerland.


IV. The pirate keeps all the loot and bounty for himself.

I was a stay at home mother my whole marriage (24 years), and I thought I may have walked away with a bit of quid, but that didn't happen. You might call it pride on my part because, in the end, I realised it was better for my sanity to just walk away without any money; I filed for the divorce and paid for it myself. I know I've spoken to many women, and whereas they have endless battles and have spent years chasing down money from an ex, I was not going to feel that power struggle. Furthermore, I'm stubborn; I was determined to do things myself. Furthermore, my mind was the ex could never take credit for any of my future successes. I could tell women that you must prepare yourselves and stash some quid aside just in case you need to jump ship in haste, but that's not for me to tell. I believe in the power of the mind, and I also believe in manifesting the heart's desires because that's what I did. I had an unsuspecting heart because I was born to believe in the goodness of others. If I had kept money back, that would have meant I was living a life of scarcity, negativity and waiting for the rug to pull out. I believed all things would work for my good, and they did. (If you are curious about my money situation, I had been secretly manifesting money and a way to leave. I did not know at the time (across the country) my aunt had received a small inheritance from a deceased relative. She rang me up one day and volunteered me generously enough money to live on and find my way for a duration. So again, I remind you, circumstances do not matter. The universe has ways we know not of, and we must only trust.) 


V. It's not smooth sailing, and there's no full-proof in battening down the hatches.

When deep hurt has occurred, emotions surface no matter how much you intend it to be smooth sailing and remain united as a front (for the children). I find it interesting that a divorce is announced many times by ordinary folk's and even celebrities with, "we love each other and will work together to remain respectful and friendly." Still, it seldom is entirely smooth sailing. I know many folks have the best intentions, but feelings, anger, resentment, and hurt will play a part at some point. If you're like me and initiated/filed for the divorce, there's bound to be deep-seated anger and hostility. I received and still have revenge to set my teeth on edge; however, I pay no mind to the lethal efforts.


VI. The pirates a savage, and no one's off-limits.


That includes your lassies (children) too. The lads are the treasure, and don't think for a moment the pirate won't use them as bait to get what's wanted. They will play the game and use the youngsters by walking them right off the plank. The children will become the bait. I had to allow him to hook em' and not say anything, as it only worsened (for my children) if I fought against it. I kept reminding myself that the truth always prevails in the end.


VII. You tie the knot with a pirate, so don't think they'll turn into a sweet sailor.


It's like hitching up with a thief and then expecting them to not steal. Too often, we as women think when we are young and dating that once were hitched, they'll change their ways, but most often, they don't, not with us anyway. We meet these mates, and at the time, we are both attempting to balance ourselves on the log of life. If we meet up with a mate and both are insecure and damaged from childhood trauma, we can't fix the person. I learned I had to focus on myself, target my healing, and stop trying to save the pirate. The truth is I was genuinely trying to save myself, and the pirate was my reflection.


VIII. Dead men tell no tales.


I wouldn't say I regret holding back many of our marital secrets because I created a safe life for my children, and I did a splendid job. I hid much of the unpleasantness in my marriage, I tempered cries, put on a giggle mug as much as I was able, and my children did have a lovely childhood, not a perfect one, but one much better than my own and for that I am proud. I am a wonderful mother. 


Most affably yours til my next swim, Raquelxxx

2 comments:

  1. It's so ugly no matter the angle. I had to ask myself what I did, because it takes 2. I was the excuse maker for him in all his woes. And the hardest part is seeing what he does to the kids. One is coming around and the other is still head in the sand. Ex is on his 3rd or 4th marriage 🙄
    On a lighter note, you got your red cloak - yay!

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    1. Omg! You are so right! I had to own my part; it does take two. Yes, the kids are a kicker, but this Christmas, thank you, the kids came around, which made me happy. Yes! I got my cloak made for Halloween but never posted it, so I thought, why not Christmas, and then Valentine’s day and then... I'm going to use it as much as possible.

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