Sad Eyes, You Knew There'd Come A Day (Shes Loves Me, She Loves Me Not)
Jane Austen wrote so beautifully for her character Mr Darcy, "Are you so severe on your sex?" I'd have to say YES, a resounding YES! I'm severe on ladies (and my dear friends) because in a declaration to change this beautiful blue marble, we must allow a crack to open in our chests. This is how the light gets in and how we heal. It's essential to grow from experiences. I'm no longer the woman who buries my feelings. I'm going to bring them to light, and then we shall get on. How the cookie crumbles are how it crumbles. I will lay my head down and sleep like a top. I've lost a child, so I know life is too short for us as ladies to keep playing out our trauma on the world around us. It does no one good to keep participating in this type of dysfunction. The buck stops here. We, as women, must do better. I want to layout this post as a teaching moment. I must explain the many ways women's trauma continues to out picture if one does not internally heal.
We must be courageous, and if no one is by my side, I've got broad shoulders, so I'll go it alone for now.
As of late, I've really focused on the new way I'm seeing circumstances and people. I may sound like a pompous prat to those reading this, especially those reading that act out their childhood insecurities and trauma with every relationship they encounter. Still, since I've found the internet can be, well, a bit of a quandary, I'm diving in regardless. Instead of dismissing this personal experience, I'm going to open up the can of worms. I'm writing this post because in my mind, I'm going to hash it out, and since we're all friends here, well, that's what friends do; we hash things out. If we continue doing the same thing, we will get the same results. Einstein said it best, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."
I'm also going to use this online diary as a teaching moment, not only for myself but also for others.
I was stonewalled, unfollowed, rejected.
Thank goodness, I'm no longer an emotionally unstable person, which feels comforting in my heart.
It wouldn't haven't surprised me at one time in my life because that was always my past relationship with women. However, since I've changed, I see women's pain differently. I no longer take anything that happens personally. I do not react nor become unstable. I know how to self regulate my emotions, which is disturbing to folks who do not. I hold myself to a level of respect and expect my friends to show up and be accountable, just as I do for them. I love my friends, but I don't need my friends. I know that those of you in mindset work understand that statement. My close friends who genuinely know me also know I am a sweet and wonderful person. I'm not afraid to say that about myself; we all should think the loveliest things about ourselves. It's a healthy way to be.
The experience I am about to get into has been distinct from my new eyes perspective, and that is most definitely a sign my soul is continually healing. So, yes, I'm patting myself on the back because I know I've grown. But, I've also been able to see what occurred to correct it promptly so that it never resurfaces again. (I'm forever a guinea pig.) What once was my story is no longer my story. I decided in August of 2021 that I truly was going to change, which meant I became someone new. That really solidified when I began listening to my new affirmations at night to change my subconscious beliefs at a core level. The program I created works, The Carter Creation®, works!
As you know, I've been sleeping with my new beliefs at night, and most of the new beautiful beliefs have solidified and (hardened into fact) or so I thought. I spoke to you in another post about the process of purging olde beliefs. I am writing a post about how the subconscious mind works (an updated version), but its depth is intense, so It's taking me some time.
If there are residuals from old beliefs that aren't fully solidified in yet, it simply means a little more affirmations will do the trick. But apparently with an occurrence that happened a few days ago caused me to realise the core beliefs about friendship had a bit more purging.
A few days ago there was a slight resurgence. I suppose I'm so far off in my own little la-la land and have reestablished new beliefs, so those things that once disturbed me aren't even on my radar anymore. I happened to discover this by my own nature of curiosity.
Remember this post? Well, the feedback from my friend (who I thought was a friend) was all well and good, but nope. No, in fact, according to the last few Instagram moves, we've now moved to a whole new level of losing the plot.
I was reading a message from my sister in law, on Instagram last night, and as luck would have it, I happened to notice the last conversation I had with my friend T had moved way down the line from where she was before. So being the curious cat that I am, I looked to see if she had sent me any messages, although there wasn't a blue dot lit up. And what to my wondering eyes, she had deleted her portions of our conversations. Let me preface that more clearly. She deleted the parts where she was cold, dismissive, a bit reproving and unfriendly with me. I have been on Instagram a lot less lately because I'm super focused on my books, so noticing the last time she liked or commented on one of my photos wasn't something I had been thinking about. Well, as luck would have it, that made me rather puzzled. So then I began looking through my Instagram feed to see when she last commented or liked a photo of mine, only to discover she had deleted her comments and unliked all of the pictures she had ever once loved. So I thought, okay, that's a bit weird. Then the second unfollow. And yes if you're curious and out of respect for myself I also I unfollowed her as well. A true lady always knows when to leave.
Now I need to preface another thing here before you start to conclude that this is a whole lot of petty nonsense. Where yes, I can see your viewpoint, this is the society we are in nowadays, and if we aren't brave enough as women to bring light to things of this nature, It will continue with no resolution but worsen. This is why we are currently in the state of affairs we are in now. Women don't talk about this in a manner of solution. And most people speaking of it are limited in how to actually solve this for mankind. Relax, I'm here now, so in advance, you're welcome world. Ha! That's a joke, don't flip. Instagram has become an infestation (not always, of course) for hiding away themselves without the fear of being revealed as to the kind of actions taking place in secret. I bet you nine to nothing that if most of these women (and men) misbehaving on social media knew we'd come knocking on their door, they'd be a bit more well mannered.
Let us be reminded again, not one human being ever born of a woman will escape the laws of the universe. This is why we have school shootings and young children at the point of breaking, and because they don't understand how to regulate their feeling state of emotions, they go on a murdering spree and kill their entire families. It could be as seemingly ludicrous as arguing about whose turn it was to make a beer run. (That's an actual thing that happened in my town just a few months ago, a double murder-suicide. because of a beer run.) These kinds of behaviours are left unattended, and whereas I put out strong examples, this is the eventual build-up. Either that or people just decide to 'take a passport' (commit suicide.) There is a building of emotions within our subconscious mind, and if we don't stop placing a plaster (bandaid) on a bullet wound, this is what happens in society over time. The ability to cope and adapt is no longer an option. Someone call Joe Rogan; I've just solved the sickness plaguing mankind. Heh...
Okay, where was I?
T is considered my friend (or so I thought on my end), whereas If she was an absolute stranger, I wouldn't give it a thought. But we shared moments of tears about my son's murder, things that I don't share with just anyone. So yes, I seriously thought she was my friend.
In all honesty, I was gobsmacked! Well, now I was beginning to get the message loud and clear, but not before I pull a Taylor Swift and addressed this Tom Foolery. If at all, this post will bring in lovely ladies that want a beautiful, truthful friendship with me and deter the one's that have nothing but ill intentions for me. My conscious is as clear as a bell. I wish the best for you, T; if you are reading this, and to any of you also struggling, I genuinely mean that.
That way of living no longer toils away at me. I've changed. I understand folks are at different levels of growth, and I accept that. As I previously stated to this friend, I don't take it personally. In fact, when she initially unfollowed me the first time and tapped the remove button (so I was no longer following her by her choice), I didn't react. I attempted to understand her as a woman, a friend. I even wrote this post in which she read and then messaged me, saying how beautiful it was.
A true form of unconditional love is being courageous enough, to tell the truth to the people you love. The truth out in the open is the best policy. Furthermore, just as I've always said, what we sow, we shall reap. So If you do something to someone or have thoughts you've been sowing about someone for years, they will come back to you a thousandfold .
No one else seems to be willing or comfortable enough to natter about these kinds of subjects for fear that an emoji might be taken wrong, and god forbid if that happens.
I will no longer take responsibility for every person's (woman's) insecurities or trauma, and the old Raquel would have recreated this saga again and kept in that state, but that's not my truth anymore. I've worked diligently on my inner self, and I'll not allow anyone to attempt to make me feel badly for outgrowing them.
And to end this God-forsaken post on a tippy-top cream of the crop approach, I want you to know something. I mean to remain and be the best loving version of myself. I also expect that I will receive those same kinds of friendships with women. In fact, I know I will. It's already happening. I will love, support and cheer for you always; I will address you directly in private if something bubbles up, and I expect the same from you. I will give you what I expect in return.
In closing, what I'd like to end on is this; if you want to be my friend (I mean a true friend), we must be able to communicate, and if you won't listen to reason, well, there's always "Towanda!"