Why I Had An Emotional Affair {And What All Affairs Mean, According To Me}

My dear friends,

Well, I'm going to assume that you clicked onto my post, strictly because of the title, am I right? I'm delighted! I mean to lead you into further inquiry. {smile}

As a writer/ blogger putting my life and personal experiences into the universe are something I take satisfaction in; if you want the truth. Because in my lil' humble opinion, all too often, I see folks continuously restrain. Now- that's not to say that, every blogger out there needs to spill their insides, however, let us be a little more forthright and transparent, shall we?

In my life, many have judged me for sharing much here on my blog {my family included}, even to go so far as to tell me, I should feel embarrassed for what I write. They think it's a betrayal and that I'm shedding a negative light on my family. I have no quorums about sharing my truth. That's what the writer does. Perhaps that portion is from my English heritage. One musn't ever divulge family affairs, however, I believe one might derive some benefit from it, and I wouldn't want to leave out any missing elements to my story.

Furthermore, I have the most positive feedback from women that tell me, they are so happy that I am sharing things that would otherwise be left unsaid. I wanted to preface, too, that I share for my healing, and expansion, as well as, give encouragement to other women that may have struggled, like me. It's never for salacious or cruel intentions; only for expansion and personal growth.

Now, let me have a go, shall I?
The emotional affair occurred in 2009. There were no sexual relations {cue the Bill Clinton tapes}, but it's an affair when you know intuitively you are sharing and becoming too close with another person at the expense of emotions and secrecy. Quite frankly, the incident was a guarantee, now that I've had years to reflect on it. I also think it's much more dangerous to have an emotional relationship than a strictly sexual one. Why? Because a woman becomes very attached to another with regards to her emotions.

I had been married at this point for 18 years. I was strict, by the Bible/Book of Mormon, type of woman. In fact, I had myself many times admonished my ex to be cautious of his actions with other women. I used to tell him, even the appearance of adultery is substandard. Let's be clear, here, I know that no matter what we as women do or say in a marriage, won't mean a thing if there is no respect. That means for ourselves, our partner or the union of marriage. If a man or woman is going to be a charlatan, they will find a way to do so. No amount of control will stop either of them.

My ex was in entertainment, so, needless to say, I was insecure from the get-go and then in addition to entertainment atop that, only spelt disaster. Not because of entertainment per se, but the lacking of self-worth on my part. My ex-husband has always been a flirtatious lad, {and later I would uncover that he was a philandering adulterer}. Ladies, if you start dating a man, and you have any sneaking suspicion that he may be the unfaithful kind, you should run for the hills. It'll only worsen as time proceeds.  But, then, hindsight is 20/20, isn't it? I ignored my instinct when my ex and I first got together. Red flags were waving all about, but I was blissed out and ignored them. I believe intuitively I knew we were ill-suited from the start. He was constant in his actions of hurting and disappointing me. Nowadays, though, I don't beat myself about the head; in fact, I actually thank the nasty bugger for his philandering ways. He facilitated my becoming strong and forthright. 

Read this post {here} That I wrote about mating with your own soul and emotional mirror reflection.

Mmmmkay, back to the subject at hand. What led up to my emotional affair? Years of emotional neglect, pure friendship, deceit, and built-up resentment, layered like bricks for decades. 

He was my ex-husband's friend for over a decade. They were in church movies together; mingling in the same crowd. He spent a lot of time with our family; and single. I adored him. He made me feel like I was a lovely person, and he also made me see things that truthfully I didn't want to see for a very long time. He was also very persuasive, and I was very naive.

Well, as luck would have it, my ex took a trip for work, in the middle of us moving into our newly purchased home, and suggested having his friend come to help me with house "stuff."

We had been friends for over a decade, and I appreciated the time he'd spend with me. He'd actually carry on a conversation with me; compliment me, by saying, I looked beautiful in my old skirts and liked all the things my husband was annoyed by. You might think it a disaster, however, It was the very thing I needed to feel alive again. I would have never started, were it not for the unhappiness, to begin with. That is the truth about affairs. Whether it's an actual sexual affair or an emotional one; if you are miserable, the only thing that you want to do in life is to find a way of feeling good. This person made me feel beautiful. I had breath in my lungs again.

That emotional affair was a blessing in disguise because it caused me to begin looking head-on at all of my issues in my own life and in my marriage. My marriage was never the same after that. I attempted to file for divorce, even moving out for six months. I then ended up moving to California, and, well, you know what happened after that. It all worked out in the end, as it solidified how much I desired to leave the marriage. This was a paramount decision; because things are always working out for us, even when it seems they aren't.
Looking back, after living through the experiences with my ex, he was continually circumventing. I have often wondered, too, if I allowed that to happen? You know that saying, " people treat you, the way you allow them too?" Yeah, that. I really do think so! I will say, too, and it may be difficult for some to read; however, I have come to the conclusion that it had to do with the "saviour" mentality. Do you know what this is? Let me explain. My mother exhibits this behaviour, I struggled with it, and many women struggle with it, that have grown up in abusive or alcoholic environments. Women cover for the addict, by continually making up the difference. It's a self-worth issue on the part of the "abusee". For example, {I'm speaking from experience when I was young}, my father would come home from work, get plastered, and then decide he was hungry. My mother was to wake up {regardless of the time} and make him food. I remember he was so angry after the meal was made, he threw the whole pot of food onto the floor. Who do you think cleaned that up, after my father passed out in his own piss? My mother did. But, who do you think comes off as the person to save the day? My mother. She can use the victim card to receive sympathy from others. Thus, all active participants are getting their natural human needs met, even though it's complete dysfunction, it works. I had to retrain myself out of this behaviour, and let me tell you; that when a person has control issues {kids of alcoholic parents}, it's not easy. I had to allow the mishaps to occur and let nature takes its course.

{I would also like to clarify that my momma reads my blog and she understands that to help other women such as ourselves we must share our stories. I adore my mother, and she has, too, like me, learned to have inner self-confidence, love and worth.}

So, for instance, once, when my ex was in a fit of rage, screamed at me because Subway put mayonnaise on his sub sandwich, he threw it against the wall, where it stuck. My little girl began trying to clean the mess, and that's when I lost my mind. That day, the straw broke the camels back. I was seeing the behaviour passed onto my child; through watching me. I began screaming, "over my dead body will anyone but my ex, clean that sub up!" I didn't care if the sub stayed on the wall for 6 months and we had guests coming over. I was ready to let him look like a fool.
Needless, to say, he cleaned the mess, as it was gone the next morning. Now- I know what you may be thinking here, Ummm... grrr...CRAZY TOWN! Yes, I know. I don't want you to feel alone if this is, or has, happened to you. The problem is that many want to escape through pretty, frilly things; but, when we get to the brass tacks, we can then begin to heal and move forward. I speak of this because I was this way myself. It doesn't have to be a negative thing to carry for the rest of our lives, and that's why I am sharing it, I feel as though, many women, if they knew why they did things {cover for their mate, or child, for instance}, they might be inspired to change. I genuinely believe that the universe allows experiences to come to us, not as a way of punishment, but as a way to encourage us to expansion. How else would I have learned? We learn through life experience, that's the only way. I am so appreciative for my lessons, always. It's just a matter of shifting our focus to see all the occurrences with beauty and look at them with a heart of appreciation, instead of, being oppressed by a "God" that most humans deem vengeful. That is not who my or your God/Source is. AT ALL!
" I dwell in possibility." ~Emily Dickinson

Yep, I carried that rescue mentality with me into my marriage with my ex. He would act slow-witted, and because I was embarrassed and had low-self esteem, I would make excuses for him. It's an exciting scenario, when we allow others, even those we love very much, to take responsibility for their own lives. Amazing things happen. I believe that we, as women, must genuinely work to become self-sufficient and self-confident. That is our sole purpose; to fall, completely and madly in love with ourselves.

And when this self-love transformation occurs within us, women like myself won't need to have some man tell us we're lovely, and pretty, because we'll already KNOW!

Most affably yours til my next swim, Raquelxxx


  1. What a moving post. One thing I had to make an effort to overcome was constantly apologizing. It really was a bazaar cycle. I do have to be aware as it is easy to slip back into that cycle when life gets chaotic. On the flipside, much healthier now! :-) So happy you now recognize your own beauty. That's a strength in many ways.

    1. Hey cute girl,

      Thank you fo that. I completely agree with you, I think it's easy in times of chaos to slip back. It takes quite a bit of focus to stay pointed in the way we want our lives to be. Isn't it such a process to really begin seeing our beauty, much conditioning, but I know we/ I am strong. Have a great weekend, doll. Raquelxxx

  2. There is a lot in this post, but something that jumped out at me was remembering to ask "what am I getting out of my own behavior here?" And yes, if all that we're getting is that someone might feel sorry for us, that's pretty sad and definitely time to honor ourselves much more highly than hoping for ugly scraps. And all of the covering and excusing and fixing we can do for others in our life . . . we wouldn't dream of shooting that same person in the kneecap, so why do we engage in the yet more crippling behavior of not allowing them their adulthood? It's hard. The lessons can be hard-won and slow in solidifying. Thanks for sharing <3

    1. Kimberly, honest to goodness, you are such a great writer. have you ever thought to write a book? Just by your comments, and the way you write, it seems to come so easy for you. Yes, what are we getting out of the behaviour? I meant no harm in speaking about my parents, I was simply stating how dysfunction takes the form in many families, and we should never shy away from being open and truthful, most importantly with ourselves. ya know? That's beautifully said, when you said, "lessons can be hard-won and slow in solidifying. Profound Kimberly... very profound, and perfectly said. much love... Raquelxxx

    2. You are so sweet to say this. You know how some people delight in giving a talk to a small group, but go flat in front of a large crowd? That is me with writing. I am called to the small still moments; the letter, the email or blog response. Each of my eight children write, however, most of them as a daily practice and one with a couple of novels at Amazon, so my still small wordcrafting flows out to the world in that way :).

    3. Well, I am so appreciative of you and you are such a kind soul to take the time to send me such lovely posts through commenting. Thank you so much. It truly brightens my day.


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