Why A Landlocked Mermaid Has An Emotional Affair {And What All Affairs Mean, According To Me}

Thursday, June 6, 2019

My dear friends,

Well, I'm going to assume that you clicked onto my post, strictly because of the title, am I right?

As a writer/ blogger putting my life and personal experiences out into the universe are something I actually take pride in; if you want the truth. Because in my lil' humble opinion, all too often, I see bloggers holding back. Now- that's not to say that, every blogger out there needs to spill their guts, but for all that is holy- let's be a little more forthright and transparent, shall we?

I can tell right away when a blogger is not letting their truth shine. Perhaps, I need to take a swim stroke backwards- because I feel dagger eyes. Heh... No, truthfully, all I am saying, is that I want to read a blog and feel I can relate to the writer. If you are going to give me fluff and stuff, I can swim on over to Instagram and find that hashtag surface, hashtag fake, hashtag not real, by the truckloads.

In my life, many have judged me for sharing so much here on my blog {my family included}, even to go so far as to tell me, I should be ashamed of myself for what I write. They feel it's a betrayal and that I'm shedding a negative light on the family name. I have no quorums about sharing MY TRUTH. That's what a writer does.

Furthermore, I have the most positive feedback from women that tell me, they are so happy that I am sharing things that would otherwise be left unsaid. I wanted to preface, too, that I share for my healing, and expansion, as well as, give encouragement to other women that may have struggled, like me. It's never for salacious or cruel intentions; only for expansion and personal growth.

Now, let's have a go, shall we?
The emotional affair occurred in 2009. There were no sexual relations {cue the Bill Clinton tapes}, but an affair is an affair if you ask me. Anywho, I had been married at this point for 18 years. I am not, nor have I ever been the flirty type. In fact, I was strict, by the bible, that always admonished my ex to be mindful of his actions with the opposite sex. I used to tell him, even the appearance of adultery is a bad thing. Let's be clear, here, I know that no matter what we as women do or say in a marriage, won't mean a thing if there is no respect. That means for ourselves, our partner or the union of marriage. If a man or woman is going to cheat, they will find a way. No amount of control will stop either of them.

My ex is in the entertainment industry, so, needless to say, I was insecure from the get-go and then to add the entertainment industry on top of that, only spelt disaster. Not because of entertainment per se, but the lacking of self-worth. My ex-husband was always a flirt, {and later I would uncover that he was a philandering adulterer}. Listen up, ladies, if you start dating a man, and you have any sneaking gut suspicion that your man may be unfaithful, you should follow your gut, and run for the flipping hills. It'll only progress and get worse. I ignored my gut when the ex and I first got together. There were red flags everywhere, but I was so blissed out, I ignored them. He was always doing things that hurt me. Nowadays, though, I don't beat myself up; in fact, I actually thank the bugger for his philandering ways. He actually helped me to be the woman I am today, by being a complete ass. (eeekkk...)

Read this post {here} That I wrote about mating with your own soul and emotional mirror reflection.

Mmmmkay, back to the subject at hand. What led up to my emotional affair.

He was my ex- husbands friend for over a decade. They were in church movies together; mingling in the same crowd. He spent a lot of time with our family; was single, and an ex-communicated member of the Mormon church. Hence, That's one of the reasons, I think, my ex took him under his wings, so to speak.

Well, as luck would have it, my ex took a trip for work, in the middle of us moving into our newly purchased home. My ex suggested having his friend come to help me with house "stuff."

We had been friends for over a decade, and I appreciated the time he'd spend with me. He'd actually carry on a conversation with me; compliment me, by saying, I looked beautiful in my old skirts and liked all the things my husband was annoyed by. Can you spell D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R? It all worked out in the end, as it solidified how much I desired to leave the marriage. This was a paramount decision; that actually worked out for me, because things are always working out for us, even when it seems they aren't.
Looking back, after living through the experiences with my ex, he was constantly circumventing. I have often wondered, too, if I allowed that to happen? You know that saying, " people treat you, the way you allow them too?" Yeah, I really believe that! I will say, too, and it may be difficult for some to read; however, I have come to the conclusion that it had to do with the "saviour" mentality. Do you know what this is? Let me explain. My mother exhibits this behaviour, I struggled with it, and many women struggle with it, that have grown up in abusive or alcoholic environments. Women cover for the addict, by constantly making up the difference. It's a self-worth issue on the part of the "abusee". For example, {I'm speaking from experience when I was young}, my father would come home from work, get plastered, and then decide he was hungry. My mother was to wake up {regardless of the time} and make him food. I remember he was so angry after the food was made, he threw the whole pot of food onto the floor. Who do you think cleaned that up, after my father passed out in his own piss? My mother did. But, who do you think comes off as the person to save the day? My mother. She can use the victim card to receive sympathy from others. Thus, all active participants are getting their natural human needs met, even though it's complete dysfunction, it works. I had to retrain myself out of this behaviour, and let me tell you; that when a person has control issues {kids of alcoholic parents}, it's not easy. I had to allow the mishaps to occur and let nature takes its course.

So, for instance, once, when my ex was in a fit of rage, screamed at me because Subway put mayonnaise on his sub sandwich, he threw it against the wall, where it stuck. My little girl began trying to clean the mess, and that's when I lost my mind. That day, the straw broke the camels back. I was seeing the behaviour passed onto my child; through watching me. I began screaming, "over my dead body will anyone but my ex, clean that sub up!" I didn't care if the sub stayed on the wall for 6 months and we had guests coming over. I was ready to let him look like a fool.
Needless, to say, he cleaned the mess, as it was gone the next morning. Now- I know what you may be thinking here, ummm... grrr...CRAZY TOWN! Yes, I know. I don't want you to feel alone if this is, or has, happened to you. The problem is that many want to escape through pretty, frilly things; but, when we get to the brass tacks, we can then begin to heal and move forward. I speak of this because I was this way myself. It doesn't have to be a negative thing to carry for the rest of our lives, and that's why I am sharing it, I feel as though, many women, if they knew why they did things {cover for their mate, or child, for instance}, they might be inspired to change. I truly believe, with all of my heart that the universe allows all sorts of experiences to come to us, not as a way of punishment, but as a way to inspire us to expansion. How else would I have learned? We learn through life experience, that's the only way. I am so appreciative for my experiences, always. It's just a matter of shifting our focus to see all the occurrences with beauty and look at them with a heart of appreciation, instead of, being treated cruelly by a "God" that most humans deem vengeful. That is not who my or your God/Source is. AT ALL!
" I dwell in possibility." ~Emily Dickinson

Yep, I carried that rescue mentality with me into my marriage with my ex. He would act slow-witted, and because I was embarrassed and had low-self esteem, I would make excuses for him. It's an interesting scenario, when we allow others, even those we love very much, to take responsibility for their own lives. Amazing things happen. I believe that we as women must truly work to become self-sufficient and self-confident. That is our sole purpose; to fall, completely and madly in love with ourselves.

And when this self-love transformation occurs within us, women like myself won't need to have some man tell us we're wonderful, and pretty, because we'll already KNOW!

Most affably yours til my next swim, Raquelxxx


  1. What a moving post. One thing I had to make an effort to overcome was constantly apologizing. It really was a bazaar cycle. I do have to be aware as it is easy to slip back into that cycle when life gets chaotic. On the flipside, much healthier now! :-) So happy you now recognize your own beauty. That's a strength in many ways.

    1. Hey cute girl,

      Thank you fo that. I completely agree with you, I think it's easy in times of chaos to slip back. It takes quite a bit of focus to stay pointed in the way we want our lives to be. Isn't it such a process to really begin seeing our beauty, much conditioning, but I know we/ I am strong. Have a great weekend, doll. Raquelxxx

  2. There is a lot in this post, but something that jumped out at me was remembering to ask "what am I getting out of my own behavior here?" And yes, if all that we're getting is that someone might feel sorry for us, that's pretty sad and definitely time to honor ourselves much more highly than hoping for ugly scraps. And all of the covering and excusing and fixing we can do for others in our life . . . we wouldn't dream of shooting that same person in the kneecap, so why do we engage in the yet more crippling behavior of not allowing them their adulthood? It's hard. The lessons can be hard-won and slow in solidifying. Thanks for sharing <3

    1. Kimberly, honest to goodness, you are such a great writer. have you ever thought to write a book? Just by your comments, and the way you write, it seems to come so easy for you. Yes, what are we getting out of the behaviour? I meant no harm in speaking about my parents, I was simply stating how dysfunction takes the form in many families, and we should never shy away from being open and truthful, most importantly with ourselves. ya know? That's beautifully said, when you said, "lessons can be hard-won and slow in solidifying. Profound Kimberly... very profound, and perfectly said. much love... Raquelxxx

    2. You are so sweet to say this. You know how some people delight in giving a talk to a small group, but go flat in front of a large crowd? That is me with writing. I am called to the small still moments; the letter, the email or blog response. Each of my eight children write, however, most of them as a daily practice and one with a couple of novels at Amazon, so my still small wordcrafting flows out to the world in that way :).

    3. Well, I am so appreciative of you and you are such a kind soul to take the time to send me such lovely posts through commenting. Thank you so much. It truly brightens my day.