4 Monumental Life Realizations I Learned When My Son Was Killed

My dear friends, 

The subject line is always a little startling even when I type it, and I sometimes wonder if it'll always be that way. I can't hardly bear to type 'murder', so I say killed {and that still doesn't even help, really}. I hope you each know, I really appreciate you and your kindness. This week I had some events occur, and they really were tough. I will share them with you in a few weeks, I'm sure of it; however, they are a little fresh in my mind, and I need a moment to process. I did want to share a post with you about a few things that I realised in these last months since my son has been gone, in hopes, it will shed some light on what has permeated my mind. I didn't share a post about what I have learned in the last ten years {like most blogs have} or post photos on social media because honestly, that's what lead me to write this post.

I'm not sure if it's the Pisces rising or what's been happening as of late, but I am back to pep-talking and fluctuating with my feelings. Am I the only Pisces like this? Raise your hand if you self pep-talk and swing in your thinking. {smile}

I am slowly but surely growing to accept this cycle about myself, which brings me to the subject of my son and what life realisations I have learned these past seven months since my son's death and they are:

I. I Have Little Empathy And Have Become Desensitized To Death

And, no I don't mean as in I'm cold as an ice queen {heh, that's subjective, isn't it?} I mean it as in I can hear about someone's death, celebrity, a child, someone's grandparent, or anyone, and I have a tendency to step back. I go silent. I actually even think, "andddd sooooo, they died. Get on with it. That's apart of life, deal with it." I also go to humour because It helps me. I use words like croaked, and when I'm trying to end The Tale of Sawyer Lamb, I have to kill off my main character, which is my baby boy {tears as I'm writing}. It's not f-in' funny, but I have to go there, perhaps it's the only way a mother can wake up the next day and go on with life. It's pure survival.  

Jackie Schimmel summed it up correctly and shared this snippet on her podcast, and I have the exact sentiments. "You aren't going to ever see me posting about that one time I went to a basketball game, and I pull out the photo from my archives and hashtag his {Kobe Bryanyt's} basketball numbers in my social media post along with my outfit of the day. I think it's actually disgusting and socially irresponsible when people do that. Stop being tone-deaf, ultimately it's the families tragedy, so give them some space."

One prime example was when Sawyer was murdered, and I hear from a woman, {we will call her, Brenda} sends me a public message on Facebook. Yeah, I said it, Facebook on an open post. A woman that was 'supposed to have been my friend for over a decade' and haven't heard a whisper from her since my divorce. When our boys were young, they were best buds. Sawyer loved this boy, but as time passed, her son and Sawyer went their separate ways. Her son went on to serve a mission, get married and follow a Christian life in the Mormon church. My son went on to write, perform, make rap albums, get tattoos, live his life by his own rules and open a few medicinal marijuana dispensaries. Back then, she chose to create a separation with our boys and strongly influenced her son from spending time with Sawyer. She also distanced herself from me as well. Good riddance, Brenda! Then, after not hearing anything from her for years she sends me a public message on Facebook stating, "She is so saddened about Sawyer, and it felt like it was her son that was killed." Are You kidding me right now! I wish I could've punched her square in the mouth! The woman that had no unconditional love for my son, and basically shunned him for being different. That is pretty much doing what his father did, church people and that's just to name a few. You actually abandoned a young man that could have used unconditional love and especially at a time when he really needed it. But no, you jackasses decided back then that you wanted nothing to do with my boy, and acted as if his life would tarnish your own. You had a reputation to uphold, people to impress, so now my sentiments to every one of you is that you can ALL kiss my ever-living ass! I hope they think about how they have treated people in their life and when life punches the ever-living snot out of them, {and it will} I want them to know, I AM that person that will say, how'd that feel? It Hurts, doesn't it, and then I'll go about my day seeking joy.

Now, many folks won't be as downright open and would dare never say what I just said. I think that's just as well. However, I refuse to live a life that is anything from authentic. I have mean thoughts, everyone has mean thoughts, and if they say they don't, they are a straight-up liar. We all have them, but that's not the problem. The problem becomes when we stay in that state of anger, which ultimately leads to hatred. I don't have hate. I just have severe outrage at times, and that's perfectly normal. Call me cruel all that you want to. This is personal, and it's called my growth process. I look forward to it, and I am working through my own grief and pain. Sometimes it's ugly, sometimes you don't want to read this kind of stuff because first off, it's raw. Secondly, most folks can't hack it. I get that. It also sends negative vibration, so be it. I won't always be standing/floating here, but I'll be damned if I stand here and not speak my truth. That won't ever happen with me, ever again. Not ever.  I'm sure the woman meant well, but let me just say, if you haven't darkened my door or even took the time to say, go screw yourself, keep your mouth shut and my boys name out of your mouth. Write a journal entry about it, but don't publically post it on my Facebook page. That just riles me like no other. Insecure folks are so eager when terrible things happen to capitalise on it for their own gain, and it's downright sickening. That's why I refuse to be friendly with my ex.

Because at the end of the day, he is still harbouring anger towards me because I divorced him, so instead of putting that aside when Sawyer died he made the efforts to attempt to hurt me, try and turn my other three children against me, he fraudulently misused the go fund me money {not sharing with me one penny} and then angled camera time to do live television stories about our son on all of the Oklahoma news media channels. He capitalised on my son's death for his own lacking of self-worth and the gain of public approval. I think that is repulsive. I also think much of his guilt stems from him not being a good father to Sawyer. To the other three, yes, but he pinpointed Sawyer out constantly and treated him significantly different. That shit hurts. I can't begin to tell you the times my son would call me and cry so profoundly from being blatantly treated differently than the other children. He was most like me, and he became even more of a target for my ex because now I wasn't there to get the brunt of it. I will end this with even after all of that and the way Sawyer was treated, he still always came back around and was loving. He would end our conversations with, "He's still my dad, and I love him, but I' will never get his approval, unless maybe I become rich and famous one day, hahaha." So, all in all, my son Sawyer actually ended up doing exactly what my ex has done. My ex had a little brother named Matthew, and he was killed in a car crash in the '80s while my ex was driving, so he has spent his life trying to prove something and to attempt to erase the guilt of being the driver. All of these behaviours are what happens when we are so pinched off from our inner being. None of this remotely stems from a God-like vibrational state of Source. But then again, I'm not here to save anyone or tell them how to live their lives. I have to live my own.  
{Gawd, Raquel! What a way to start the day. Errr...} 

I will also add this, though. I have never spoken about some of this. I'm not sharing as a way to hash it up, I am, however snipping away at the emotional anchors by sharing my subjective viewpoint of having lived it. Because one thing I have learned in the recent week or so has been that if you don't move through your emotional anchoring beliefs, they never actually heal properly. Pretend you are a cork bobbing, which is your inner being, and for it to bob at the surface, you have to get to the top. However, you {the cork} has an emotional anchor tied to it. You try every day to bob to the top of the water surface, but you only, ever, get so far. Will you get to the top with tons of effort, yeah, sure. Will you keep going through that same process every single day, also, yes. So, to bob/float always on the water surface, you have to cut the emotional anchor for good. This is how I am cutting the anchor. I must speak my truth, and I will be free, once and for all. 

II. Live In The Now

I know you, and I are so used to hearing that statement. I used to feel like, Gawd, I've heard that term til' I'm sick of hearin' it, and thought; yeah, you're as old as dirt and that's why you can say that. Not so much now. I actually do realise that even, at this very moment I am telling you to 'live in the now.' But I know it, you know it, and everyone knows it, and that is that words don't teach us, only experience does; however, I want to tell you, regardless. Because there might come a day that a mother stumbles upon my blog and the words that I am writing speak easiness to her soul, and I am satisfied with that notion. I have a completely different viewpoint from the perspective of simply washing the dishes, washing a load of clothes, hanging a load of laundry on the line, using the good china, burning candles to the end of their wicks and so forth. And I don't think I need to explain that much further. I think you can pretty much understand that sentiment now from my own perspective.
I've said this before, and that is; what I wouldn't give to wash a dirty load of clothes of my son Sawyer or wash his dirty dishes. One day, I actually broke down to my knees, in a puddle of tears because I will never get to cook a meal or fix a plate of food for my baby boy. And for some reason that day it hit me like a brick. Jeffrey had to pick me up from the floor. If there's one more thing to say, it's to heed those little thoughts and promptings. If you felt inspired to send someone a text, or a message on social media, don't wait around, do it. You'll never regret them, that I can promise you. 

III. When A Tragedy Occurs, It Doesn't Always Bring Families Together, And You Don't Have To Feel Guilt Because Of It, Either.

Why dont you have to have guilt about it? Because this event called death that you're experiencing in your life is your event. Death looks and wraps around everyone differently, and no one is getting it wrong if they are manoeuvring through it and someone doesn't 'get' you or your process. What they think has nothing to do with you. Don't take on the guilt of feeling that you are grieving wrongly, because you aren't. No matter what someone says to you or tries to make you think. Is it a disappointing conclusion that my ex-husband and I are not friends even though we both lost a child? No, it is not.

People are still going to be who they are, have the same ideals, think the same about situations/people and even the death of a child is not going to change that for them. Because for me, at the end of the day, I am a grieving mother, I am selfish about that, and I don't make any apologies for it, either. I am going to be angry with who I'd like, understanding when that emotion settles in, as well, and find peace when that emotion arises too, and I am not going to alter my emotions to please anyone, not ever. It's actually a beautiful concept just in general for any type of experience that happens in someone's life.
IV. I Have A Deep Desire To Remain In Alignment, To Connect With My Son

It's not possible, I don't believe to now at this time in my life to have a more profound desire to be connected to my inner being because I know the ONLY way to communicate with those souls that have transitioned is to be on the same high flying disk as them. In fact, I daily connect with my son, even more so, than I ever did with him when he was in physical. I now know that my reasons for connectivity with my higher self and higher consciousness is so important to me, and each day I make meditation my number one priority; an essential practice, to connect with my son Sawyer.

I'm sure I'll spend the rest of my life moving through this process, and the many more contrasting moments I will experience. The one thing I can surely say is that I will come out in the end just as the motto I created for Sawyer which is to remember that I will always, #Take Joy. 

This is a perfect song for this post, with the idea that this is a positive anchoring belief. {smile}

The Anchor Holds

I have journeyed through the long dark night
Out on the open sea, by faith alone
Sight unknown; and yet His eyes were watching me
The anchor holds
Though the ship is battered
The anchor holds
Though the sails are torn
I have fallen on my knees as I face the raging seas
The anchor holds in spite of the storm
I've had visions, I've had dreams
I've even held them in my hand
But I never knew they would slip right through
Like they were only grains of sand
The anchor holds
Though the ship is battered
The anchor holds
Though the sails are torn
I have fallen on my knees as I face the raging seas
The anchor holds in spite of the storm
I have been young, but I'm older now
And there has been beauty these eyes have seen
But it was in the night, through the storms of my life
Oh, that's where God proved His love for me
The anchor holds
Mostaffably yours til my next swim, Raquelxxx


  1. About a decade ago now I had a friend who went through the loss of a young daughter in a freakishly random incident. I remember thinking at the time (though not saying, thankfully) that she would one day be able to be such a comfort to other parents who lost children because "she would know what to say". I was, of course, ignorant. I'm sure that dear woman is able to be there for other mothers who lose children in a very real way, but for heavens' sake, as if there are words that will make it better. Perhaps it is a thing that someone can say something that helps on one particular day, but the next day that same thought is alllllll wrong as loss is up and down and back and forth. I'm so glad you're here speaking your truths through this whole time.

    You know . . . I think even a few years ago I would have been deeply shocked at what that woman posted on your Facebook, but now? There seems to be no brake on the attention-seeking narcissim that's completely accepted, at least online. It shows its most ugly face around death, as you've pointed out here. "Oooooo, I KNOW that person who died!!! Some attention for me! It's all about me!!" I agree with you that this is a lack of true self value, of that person's not understanding at a deep level who they are. But it's horrible to watch, and doesn't only affect that person.

    1. I think you are so right about that. I am sure I will at some future time not feel so defensive, but then maybe I won't. Like I said I'm sure she meant well. No brake on narcissism, I like that. Yes, I think you understand what I was saying, and truthfully I am just stating my opinion and like I said I'm sure there will come a day that won't bother me so much. Thank you for staying in touch. Have a lovely weekend. I love you!


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