Friendships After Divorce: A Few Stayed, Most Swam Away

Last week I had a kind soul reach out to me that I had been quite friendly with during my years as a Mormon. This wasn’t in rare form, except for it’s been now over five years since my divorce was final. After all, this time has passed, I can count quite literally one person that never left my side during that time.

{Thank you, Deb, that meant more to me than you'll ever know. Deb should write a book on how to stay neutral when friends divorce, or something like that.}

Er... what I mean is, she did everything correctly according to me.

Where was I?

Oh yes. The friend that reached out to me.

Whereas it’s perfectly understandable that when couples divorce, there’s bound to be some lingering emotions and folks that were friends with both parties, will take sides. Quite frankly, I’m smart enough, also, to know that this is a very reasonable occurrence. What’s not so plain and straightforward is understanding the motives behind why friends leave your side.

I’m not exactly the kind of gal that when I was divorcing my ex, needed the support. Not needing the friend support is one thing; however, it would have been nice to have some unbiased backing. But no, I didn’t have the aid, actually quite far from it. Whereas at first, that bothered and angered me immensely, it also was a sobering thing to have happened and here's why.

It’s often been said that going through something severe will show you who your real friends are. In the beginning, when I’d vent on Facebook about filing for divorce or airing a truth-telling quote about what was happening, I started noticing a trend. I’d roughly lose a friend or two per post. A quiet unfriending, an “I was here for the happy couple pics, even if they were fake, but I’m not going to be here for the unravelling.” At first, I was hurt, then I spiralled into anger. I mean, at one point I went on a rampage, and if I knew my ex was friends with the same friend that I was, I’d do the honours and go ahead and unfriend them straight away. Ya know, save them the whole trouble of having to navigate that catastrophe. The other thing that hurt quite a bit is that whereas I didn’t want folks to choose, I also didn’t wish to allegiance to both of us. I still had friends that were also his friends, and I would begin seeing them post on his page showing support but then secretly come to my page too. I wouldn’t have realised this until several ladies {It was always women because you know men, they keep their mug shut), proceed to send me screenshots of comments from those same women posing as my friends on my page. I think it made them more furious than me, but that’s neither here nor there.

{Actually, now writing this post out it does seem to be rather a mess. Perhaps, I misjudged. Would I want to watch this shit show go down if I weren't the captive star of it? Probably not. But I digress.}

I learned to accept it. I began to be appreciative for who my real friends were, no matter that there were barely any left after the ash had settled. I tend to think that because my ex was in a career {that, I helped him arrive at, let's not forget, but that’s another post for another day} most of the people that watched his career, sided with the person, they knew on the television not the person in real life. They liked to be grouped in connection to knowing the ‘tv guy.’ Through the years I have settled in with lovely new people that I have attracted into my life that are just the kind of people I want to be friends with. It enabled me also to recognise that in the end, most people are going to follow what suits them best. Today, I'm at peace with that notion.

There are some folks that genuinely never reveal who they really are, no matter how many years you've been married to them. When you discover this truth about someone you've been intimate with, it can be utterly jolting. When you think you know a person, but in actuality, they never revealed themselves to you. Some people can live a facade for all their lives.

This isn’t meant to be a post about all the people that will abandon you after a divorce, well, maybe it should be because I’m putting it into perspective; many folks have this notion of coming out of a divorce with everything tied up nicely with a Tiffany silk blue ribbon, and it’s just not like that with a divorce. I will say my divorce went rather smooth, give or take, but that probably has a lot to do with my desire to just divorce. I didn’t ask for any money, so that helped to move elements along more quickly than most.

I have since learned to accept and even be appreciative to know who my true friends are. It’s much better knowing now, than always in the back of my mind wondering who I could trust and who had taken my ex’s side. In my meditation practice, I began to send out the beautiful intentions of good true friendships. I’d also be appreciative and thank the universe for the friendships that I did have with those folks, because I did, after all, learn from them at one time. I’d visualise myself cutting the anchor that tied us together and releasing them. I was then able to move forward and not harbour any more anger or ill will. I will preface though {because you know me, and I’ve got to get that last little bit wedged in}, and I know at some point those folks will learn a thing or two about friendship in their own right. I always say when you are mean spirited, and you put out that kind of energy you’re going to get it back. It’s a universal law. I rest knowing that I want the nicest for others, and in turn, the evidence has manifested in my life. I was a kind, gentle soul, and I am being rewarded for that, tenfold. There’s a reason I have come through so much that has happened in my life barely scratched and it's because I am a good person. I always have been, and eternally will be. The universe rewards goodness with goodness.

As my blog has grown and my ability to share all parts of myself with vulnerability, I have gained so many lovely new friends, and for that, I'm most appreciative.

All in all, I think the critical thing to state in conclusion to this post is that just as the law of attraction works for finding new friendships. It’s also an excellent indicator for others to remember that if you don’t want the divorce aftermath of losing friends, you can always use the power of scripting.

Have you experienced losing friends? What'd you learn?

Most affably yours til my next swim, Raquelxxx