Friday, May 22, 2020

May Days And Swimming Through Mothering Guilt

I had a massive inspired moment as if God precisely reached down and placed within my mind the ideas that were quite rapidly pinging as fast as I could type. I wish I could explain in detail what occurred with my authorship and the beautiful experiences that are springing forth in my life presently, but rather, I have no words. The best I might describe it is such as this: Have you ever felt this deep knowing and desire about something. Perhaps you've been moulding your dream into place for quite some time, and then there comes that moment one day, and it feels as though it has popped and you suddenly know with certainty your place and that all you'd hoped for you can see coming to be a reality? Precisely, that is what occurred at the weekend for me.

Today I am graphing out my summer gardening. I am making three fenced-in wattle garden beds using the no-dig method. I have also started a small compost in the back garden behind the potting shed. I am so happy with my life, and everything is falling into place., and that makes me so satisfied within my heart. You know dear friends, there was a time {before my divorce} that I was trying to make myself happy, and it seemed nothing I could do would ever give me that deep internal feeling of blissed-out joy and happiness. Now, though, I feel I have finally discovered the trueness of pleasure and enjoyment. As Steve Jobs once said, all our dots will ultimately connect, and everything will make sense. That feeling of what Beatrix Potter and Tasha Tudor spoke of regularly. What that innately feels like within the deepest part of my soul. It's the best feeling, really and truly. Jeffrey and I meander about the garden and relish in our hard work, smelling flowers, clipping bouquets, staying up late watching snippets of our favourite comedians. We especially love going to the garden centre to see what other fun things we can plant. We both simply love gardening and spend most of our time in the garden. Gardening is life, and I can't wait to make my folks home like a little treasured paradise. It's undoubtedly well on Its way. 
Oh, and how exciting! A childhood friend of Jeffrey's has offered up some of his family sourdough starter that is over 100 years old. I can't wait to collect it. My last starter {which I had was when Sawyer was born. So, yeah, a long time ago}, I was able to keep for seven years, and since all of my disruptions in the years past, it'll be good to get back to having a starter that I love. I've tried to make one several times, and I've not been happy with them. There's something about the old sourdough starter. There's simply no comparison.

This week we've plucked vegetables from the garden and eaten them for supper. The zucchinis are so delicious; our crooked neck squash is amazing {we sauteed it with onions from the garden} and the cucumbers are as crisp as can be. Our tomatoes are giving us a bit of a quarrel this season, but we planted so many that we still manage to get a few each evening for our salad. I also planted my small barrel herb garden a few weeks ago, and it looks quite charming, I think. I planted a mini rose, lavender, parsley {for Oliver of course}, mint, chives, and oregano. Our rosemary has grown amazingly well. We planted it from a sprig beneath the birdhouse, and it's doing excellent. I've awakened to the sounds of beautiful bird song. There are so many lovely little chirpies that I decided to download an app of all the bird songs I hear, and it makes a most beautiful lyrical symphony. {I know it's past Mother's day, but I do believe It slipped my mind to share about it.} The gardener, me and my folks had the loveliest week, and Jeffrey made Mother's Day "quite perfect" as my mother put it so nicely.
Jeffrey lost his dear mother at the age of 15, so he was sure to make the day especially lovely for my mother, which was a significant success.

I rightfully believe Sawyer's spirit was strongly present as he knew it would be what my soul desired. There has been an extra bustle of renewed life and joy around the cottage.

We did some moving around, a bit of spring cleaning and some fun little projects. I ordered even more lace curtains to hang as well as dangle some gallery art that my aunt painted for my folks.

Mother's Day was enjoyable and celebratory too. I heard from two of my children and had a delightful conversation with them both. It's good for my heart to get back to the actual act of speaking verbally with my children. This mothers day last year was the last time I saw my dear boy Sawyer. I had such a warm and friendly outpouring from the kindest women through Facebook and email. Thank you, dear friends, for the ones that messaged me, it was heartwarming, and it meant so much that you thought of me, and I'm forever appreciative. {You know who you are.}

I have a new intention for my youngest son. I was busily painting in my writing den while listening to Abraham Hicks about perpetuating our desires and creating our reality. I had noticed, directly from the habit of my youngest son not being as talkative. He's been talkative but not anywhere near the other two children since Sawyer's death. I then realized that Abraham was addressing a man in the hot seat with the exact circumstance I was working through with my boy. There was a time not long ago when only Sawyer was on speaking terms with me. Then after his death, I'm not sure for some time the children again retreated and had not much to do with me. I realized right then; I have been noticing {living in reality} about my Brooker not speaking to me as much as the other two. Instead of moulding the fact, I want in my life, and not what the naked eye sees; I was pushing away what I truly wanted. So in a bid to receive and become an open vessel of my wants, I am now filling in my story and writing it the way I desire it to be. Ya know, we are all writing our very own stories, and we can write them exactly how we want them to be, but for us to do this, we have to see things the way we want them and not see them as they are now. The more we mould our desires through thoughts of all the things that please us, the more the universe brings that likeness into our reality. It's creating the life we want by our focused thoughts. 

I bring up the relationship with my youngest son because regardless of what has created the strain, I believe that many parents (mothers in particular) struggle with their relationships with their children and It's not something to be ashamed of, nor feel guilt or regret over. Mothers tend to do this quite frequently, and it's harmful to their spirit and stumps personal growth. I am a wonderful mother, and very confident in my parenting; while my children were young and now that they are adults. I tend to think that some mothers struggle and blame themselves for their frayed relationships with their children as if because they are the parent, and if a child goes on their merry way, that it's somehow the parent's fault if they lose connection. This isn't true. That's an old fashioned belief, and there's no point in continuing to activate an idea like that. Frequently I see mothers tied up in an identity when it pertains to their children. For example, If a child is "approved of" by others, a mother, therefore, believes she did an excellent job of raising a child correctly (by the standards of the world.) On the other hand, if a child grows and has a spirit of beating to their own drum, (meaning they do what makes their heart happy regardless of labels), they don't necessarily fit the mould, and that somehow a mother deems herself unsuccessful as a parent.

I quite completely understand this mentality, and I'll tell you why. Because for many years, I also believed this way. And whereas I can understand it, I no longer agree with it. There are many scenarios of women that did their best to raise good children, and yet still a child/adult has the personal freedom of deciding what they want to do with their own life. Now, do I also think that the adolescence of a child will have a massive impact on how a child will grow to become a lovely adult, from the teachings of a mother, yes? I absolutely do. But to the degree that most people think, I would have to say not entirely. Why? Because even though a mother raises a child (I'm speaking about mothers specifically because I am a mother and I can only talk about my personal experience) they still have the freedom, individual agency and control over their own lives. Women raised with the mentality that everyone is a reflection of themself has a way of causing deep emotional pain and guilt. That's simply too much accountability and responsibility to place on a single person. This is such a travesty for mothers to believe.

We all are regularly doing our very best as a parent, and we would do well enough if we'd think that, and move forward. And stop allowing other folks to create insecurity in our beliefs about what and how we raised our children. You could have been the best parent in the world, and we still only ever possess the power to control our own lives. When our children become adults, it is then their responsibility to work out their emotional affairs. We didn't come to feather the nests of our children. As much as women believe this, it's simply not true. That is a skewed belief and would do well in creating new ideas about this subject. It's quite arrogant to think we have that much influence on another person. No other human has as much power over another human being as they believe, regardless of, whether they are our very own children or not.

I believe the healthiest thing a mother can do is remain steadfast in her self love voyage, work at building a beautiful life and trust that all will be well. Everything has a way of working itself out.
I trust myself, and I believe in the process of allowing. After the experiences I've been through, I have chosen to live this way, and it has made all the difference. When we stop pushing through things or trying to make something happen, whether that's trying to force something to happen with another person, a relationship with a child, a move to another city, or whatever it will undoubtedly throw a wrench in the natural process of allowing.

Understandably it can be frustrating at times, {I do know and understand this, believe me}; however, if, everything went along always smoothly; life would never teach us anything. Swellings in the road create more expansion, and we, therefore, create new desires which is a beautiful thing. So, if there's anything I could say to a mother saddened by her current relationship with a child, it would be to remain steadfast by keeping the focus on yourself. (Yes, I'm advocating selfishness here). Continue living your life, finding you're the happiness and eventually through your set desires and intentions; you will receive all that you desire. I promise that if you want a happy relationship with a child, become pleased with the relationship with yourself. This creates the space for healing when that occurs; our power is immeasurable, and it has a ripple effect throughout the world.

All in all, this post is about the power of loving oneself, finding the joy in daily life and that if we do these two things, the universe has a way of aligning the energy that creates worlds to swell up inside of us. And when that occurs, our power and influence upon the earth become immeasurable.

I hope you are happy wherever you are and enjoying life.

Most affably yours til my next swim, Raquelxxx 


  1. Superb post! I heard from 1 of my 2 children on Mother's Day~ I suppose I'm a work in progress.

    1. Joey Leah, it does my heart good to see you... I have missed you. We are all a work in progress, and I wouldn't have it any other way, would you? I learn so much. By the way, your cupboard amazing!


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