Monday, July 8, 2019

They'll Be Days Like This

My dear dear friends,

"You're going to have hard days." I've heard that before, haven't you?


Today was a hard day. For the most part, I carried on the best I could, smiling and even getting excited about where I'd love to see the direction of my blog going, and then I looked outside and saw my son's truck sitting in my driveway. The tears flooded as I diced up potatoes for supper. I went into my bedroom and gathered up his little beanie hat and smelt it. It still has his smell. I quickly remind myself; that in order to find Sawyer where he is, I have to be in alignment. As much as, crying and deep sorrow is justifiable, we aren't capable of hearing the non-physical, unless we are happy and hopeful.

I thought to myself, of the overwhelming sadness, and worry set in. The world keeps going. Jeffrey was due back to work today, and I wanted to tell him to quit because I don't want to be without him. Not even for a minute. The bills are still landing in the mailbox, the electrics due, Sawyers truck payment is due, and I'm still not where I want to be in my career. Isn't that what we do to ourselves? We get on a negative momentum, and everything starts unravelling.
Now- I want you to know that I am not going to turn this blog into a sad excuse for victimhood. But, I do want to tell you when my feelings of despair bubble up. I want to try to turn this seemingly horrific tragedy into a triumph, somehow. I refuse to have a pity party and feel sorry for myself. As weirdly, as it sounds, I believe this has happened to me for a reason, and I am determined to figure that out. I know I have an undeniable strength. I know many of you, my dear friends, also have pillar strength, too. After all, is said and done, I want folks to read my words and know all the feelings that arise are quite normal, and at the end of the day, we can still find "happy." I won't ever give up on my desire to be happy. I have always strived for happiness, and I will for as long as I live.

Life really is good. I was reminded of this tonight, as I was gathering the chickens into their coop for the evening. The little wren flew in and sat on my little Victorian table in the garden and hopped about with enthusiasm. I believe it was Sawyer getting my attention. I have never seen a wren that hyperactive. The wren had the type of energy that reminded me of Sawyer. He was an energetic little fella. I thought it was delightful; smiling with renewed hope.

I felt Sawyer say to me, " Momma, I'm here, and everything is going to be okay. You must have trust, My Beautiful Mother."

All is well for now. I'm learning to live a new way.

I shall write again soon.

Most affably yours til' my next swim, Raquelxxx

I am adding the link to my gofundme campaign. I am using the funds to have a small memorial for Sawyer with immediate family, and a few of Sawyer's dear friends. I plan to also use the funds to pay towards Sawyer's truck note. Thank you! I love you each, so very much!

4 comments:

  1. You are such a beautiful soul! Your life is such an incredible display of what it means to truly live. I have no doubt that your Sawyer boy will show up in many many ways to let you know he is with you. ��

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    Replies
    1. Oh my, he sure has and It has helped me in so many ways. I am so appreciative. Thank you so much for saying such kind, dear things to me. I needed to hear them, truly. I love you, Raquelxxx

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  2. Be gentle with your heart Dear ~ deep wounds take time to heal. The tears just mean you care. Will see what I can do with the funding.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you sweetie, It has been tough, some days are do hard, but today was a pretty nice day. They made two arrests, and even though it still is hard, that was a bit of closure... just a tiny bit. I love you, Raquelxxx

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